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Seriously. Now.

Cabin in the Woods !!! !! !!! ! ! Go see it. Now.

THAT IS ALL.

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Final Destination 5: The Gymnast

#4: Most Ridiculous Horror Movie Deaths, EVER:
The Gymnast in Final Destination 5

I know it could be argued that every death in every Final Destination movie is ridiculous, but usually I at least have a laughing fit about how stupid it is (re: dude getting squished by a glass window pane in part 3).

This one, though, was particularly dissapointing, because after lots of teasing involving a screw on the balance beam and a loose air conditioning fan, they chose to have this chick get catapulted off some bars and land badly, apparently breaking every bone in her body and instantly killing her.

While the splatter was pretty awesome, I think I would have preferred the fan falling on her, or getting strangled by the bars, or SOMETHING. Anything. Everything. Else. Why? Because it just looks stupid. Look at the photo. It’s stupid, you guys. Come on.

Forever and ever.

Behind the scenes of The Shining!

Nice. (via The Chive)

Lost Girl Kicks Ass

I was skeptical about this whole “fae” thing, but as it turns out, SyFy’s Lost Girl is filling the void that Buffy left in my fantasy-loving heart.

Main character Bo is a sexy succubus with the power to drain the life out of men or women, or you know – touch them and make them do her bidding. Rough gig, huh? Anyway, she avoids joining up with either the dark or light fae gangs, which makes her extra-desirable, kinda like the sexy wolfman/cop Dyson (who can help heal her by gettin’ busy RAWR).

It’s glossy and super-sexed up, but I am growing to LOVE IT – even if at least one of the episode’s plots was so Buffy it hurt (hello! Sorority house sacrifices to a creepy swamp-dweller is a little too familiar, writers).

Bonus: Goth-girl Kenzi makes an excellent sidekick. “Holy shitballs” exclamations, crazy antics, and a clever kick of Whedon-like humor make her super endearing.

I recommend you check it out, as it’s replaced Grimm as my supernatural go-to lately, along with The Fades (post forthcoming) and Being Human. Also, last episode’s head-chopping off incident proved they don’t shy away from good splatter.

Amazing.

Uh, wow. The Walking Dead Left Behind promo thinger on Facebook is pretty damn awesome. It’s the best way I’ve ever seen a company use FB integration, for sure.

Splinter

Man oh man. I finally caught Splinter the other day due to my friend Carl’s recommendation and HOLYCRAP WAS IT AWESOME.

It’s about a couple who gets kidnapped by an ex-con – only to end up trapped inside a gas station by the craziest parasite ever put on film. I mean, this thing is BRUTAL. Spiky, and brutal. I can’t really say anything else without ruining what happens, but this thing has some of the best special F/X and bloody gore I’ve ever seen. Just a really fantastic little horror film.

Definitely recommended! Check it out.

Podcastin’ about Splatter

If you’d like to actually listen to me talk about movies instead of just reading what I write about them, the lovely people at Scarecrow Video had me on their podcast as a guest — in which I cover some Italian Horror, Eli Roth’s films, and movie soundtracks.

You can find it here.

 

{photo from Dario Argento’s Deep Red} 

My Soul to Take: Wes Craven’s worst movie?

I didn’t think Wes Craven could make a movie worse than Cursed, but I was sadly mistaken.

My Soul To Take is horrible, horrible, horrible. It’s like he took a bunch of horror movie moments and mashed them all together, but in the most boring way possible, with some of the worst actors ever cast. Not one decent scare or original thought in the entire movie, including the origin of the serial killer, or his “legend” that lives on…and don’t even get me started about that tacked-on ending.

Sorry, Wes. I can’t recommend this thing to anybody. I’m even surprised I made it all the way to the end.

The Shape wishes you a Happy Halloween

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

For my “trick” today, I got to experience catastrophic hard drive failure, and have spent all day trying to restore and back-up files. So uh, yeah. I’m behind on my 31 Days of Horror postings – and there’s no chance of catching up tonight.

It’s cool to just pretend November is still October, right?

Hope everyone is enjoying their day with rad costumes, gory films, and lots of sugary sweets! I’m off to squeeze in a viewing of Carpenter’s classic – and then do some more work before I turn in.

El Orfanato

One more film review and then I’m on a hiatus for a few days while I head to LA for Halloween Horror Nights!! So psyched about Eli Roth’s Hostel maze. I mean, seriously.

Anyway – last night I re-watched El Orfanto (The Orphanage), which was produced by Guillermo del Toro, and is the feature directorial debut of Juan Antonio Bayona.

The movie is about Laura, who foolishly decides to move her husband and young son back to the seaside orphanage she grew up in. Her plan is to make a home for 5 or 6 other children, and share her abundance of love. or something.

Unfortunately, Simon (Laura’s son) immediately starts “making friends” with some invisible kids from his imagination…or maybe not. This causes Simon to act out and be a brat, ruining Laura’s grand opening party, and injuring her in the process. Simon then promptly disappears, and Laura spends the next 9 months searching for him with obsessive drive. And then she gets a brilliant idea! Hey! Let’s contact the ghosts and ask them where he is! AWESOME.

Oh. Wait.

The atmosphere if this film is simply AMAZING. Even though there’s very little blood, Bayona effectively employs sneaky spirit tricks and ghosty drive-bys with an expert hand. And let’s talk about that kid for a moment, shall we? Is that not the most frightening mask ever created? LOOK AT THAT THING. Every time I even think about it, I get the wigs. And, the ending is freaking terrifying — in a very depressing, very “ohmyfuckingodwhat” kind of way.

Definitely recommended if you’re into ghost stories. Definitely NOT recommended if you have kids…as I imagine this would be a very, very, very devastating film for moms.