{cross-posted to Three Imaginary Girls

It’s been 12 years since The Ring 2 (TWELVE?!?! YEARS?!?!) so I suppose it was about time for Samara and her f’ed up psychic video feed to resurface, because we need something other than reality to terrify us in 2017 – amirite?

Terrify isn’t exactly the word I would use here, but Rings does have its moments — I just wish its moments had been closer together in say, a tighter 60 minute package instead of a looooooooong and slowly drawn out 1 hour and 45 minute one.



Phantasm: Ravager – Reggie the ice cream man does not mess around


{Cross-posted to Three Imaginary Girls}

“I could really go for a Rocket Pop right now”

So begins the saga of Reggie in Phantasm: Ravager, the fifth — and apparently final — installment of the Phantasm universe. The pony-tailed ice cream truck driver has been on a journey to defeat The Tall Man and save his friends from otherworldly possession and freaky rabid Jawas (aka: Lurkers) since 1979, alternately kicking-ass, singing songs, and hooking up with random chicks while driving a sweet 1971 Hemi ‘Cuda.

In Ravager, Reg enters the scene wandering through the dessert in his dirty, torn, and familiar white ice cream man uniform wielding a custom-made shotgun. He’s in search of BFFs Mike & Jody, and also trying to find out who the hell had the balls to steal his car from its hiding place. Luckily, he finds it just as those flying killer spheres show up to cause him all kinds of trouble. But that’s just the beginning … (more…)

Junk Bonds: The Return of Junk Bucket

vlcsnap-2014-01-06-21h35m34s57 (1)

This is one of those rare instances where I’ve seen a sequel *before* I’ve seen the original, but in the case of this splatter-filled horror comedy, I think it’s fine. I’ll eventually get around to watching Stephen Lange’s first feature: Junkbucket—and based on its sequel: Junk Bonds: The Return of Junk Bunket, I’m sure I’ll like it just as much!

Writer and Director Lange uses his horror knowledge to drop some great tributes to classic splatter flicks, making this 2013 film feel like something that could have been made in the 70s or 80s … and I mean that in the most flattering way possible.

The story for Junk Bonds closely resembles 1974’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, only instead of Leatherface, the Big Bad is Junkbucket: a man who’s got his own “junk” sewn to his face instead of a regular nose, wears his victim’s faces stretched over a bucket, and whose weapon of choice is a phallic axe/club combo. (more…)

A Whisper to a Scream (Quadrilogy)

This is kind of cheating (again. I know. I KNOW), since I’ve written about both Scream and Scream 4 before, but I wanted to cover all the Wes Craven films I’ve seen, so I decided to talk about all the Scream movies again.

My theory (and I don’t know if it’s right, because I haven’t read this anywhere) is that Craven hated how Nightmare 2-6 turned out, and decided he wasn’t going to let anyone else direct the Scream films, so he took charge of all of them. And he didn’t do a terrible job, but he did make some mistakes.

The first Scream was AMAZING. I was literally on the edge of my seat, chewing nervously on my fingernails and squirming around uncomfortably for the entire film. The opening scene with Drew Barrymore as Casey is fucking brilliant, and I love it with all my heart—enough that my blo0d-soaked Casey costume has been a go-to for several Halloween parties.

Scream is the perfect marriage of Craven and Screenwriter Kevin Williamson; they both compliment each other perfectly here, and leave very little to pick at, except of course, “death by garage door”, which I have always, and will always call bullshit on. But the rest of the film is so strong, I can let it slide.

The best thing about Scream is that it made horror films fun for me again, after getting burnt out on carbon-copy slasher flicks. The script does an apt job at throwing suspicion on EVERYBODY, so you’re not sure who the killer is until it’s revealed.

And YES, I do still think it’s scary, even though I watch it at least once a year.

A Nightmare on Elm Street & Wes Craven’s New Nightmare


I’ve written a few times before about Wes Craven’s A Nightmare on Elm Street, why it’s so important to me, and why I love it so. But, I’m gonna go ahead and tell you again, and then cover New Nightmare too.

 A Nightmare on Elm Street was made in 1984, and I hear teenagers now say all the time that it’s stupid and not scary. And I want to punch them in their stupid mouths. (Just kidding! Kinda).

Look, I understand. The 80s were an amazingly awful time for fashion and hair, and everybody looks horrible and dated. And there is such a flood of gory, scary movies now that there’s no way a dude with knives on his fingers that haunts your nightmares is going to creep you out. But I still think it’s brilliant.

There is so much to love here—the creation of the glove at the beginning, the splatteriffic death of Tina in front of her boyfriend, Rod; “Screw your pass!”, the origin of Freddy (before that ridiculous “son of a 100 maniacs” crap in part 3), the fountain of blood that erupts from Glen’s bed, “I’m your boyfriend now!”, and Nancy totally kicking some serious ass when she’s done with Krueger killing all her friends. (more…)

Scream 4

It’s day 15 of 31 Days of Horror – and I finally sat down to watch Scream 4. I’m not gonna lie, I’d kind of been dreading it. For me, the Scream franchise is hit or miss.

The original Scream was a big hit. I remember feeling exhilarated and terrified in the theater. And even though it has one of the most ridiculous horror movies deaths ever, I still loved every second of it. I had no idea who the killer was, and I ❤ the crap outta that end reveal, plus of course, video geek Randy and all the clever horror movie references.

Scream 2 was mostly a miss. The opening scene, while it has its cheeseball moments, is pretty fantastic. What could be a more perfect way to murder someone than to attack them in a theater full of Stab fans, who are just going to think that another ghostface-costumed theater-goer repeatedly stabbing someone else is part of the show? Brilliant, right? And the Sarah Michelle Gellar scene? Love.  (more…)

Freddy Vs. Jason

Today, you get a short post from me because I am just too damn tired to concentrate long enough for a coherent rant about why I love Freddy Vs. Jason.

Long story short (too late!): After many years of speculation, rewrites, and fiascos, they did this thing up RIGHT. The writers paid close attention to all the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th movies that had come before, and worked in (very accurate) details referencing both Freddy and Jason’s origins and things that had happened in the originals and sequels — plus, they nailed both killers’ style of dispatching victims.

This was honestly the most fun I’d had watching a horror movie in the theater in a long, long time. The perfect amount of splatter & gore, and major points for knowing what it is and not taking itself too seriously.

Not convinced you should see it yet? I have one more thing to say to you: Monica Keena’s cleavage is a star in its own right.