Sleepwalkers

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Sleepwalkers (1992) is one of those Stephen King movies that hits the sweet spot of horror movie enjoyment: it’s hilariously terrible, but still so ridiculous it’s fun to watch. It also doesn’t hurt that it stars one of my top 5 girl crushes of all time, Mädchen Amick,  and Borg Queen Alice Krige, who was born for to play creepy women that you’re strangely attracted to even though they will most likely murder you in your sleep.

Mick Garris directed this original screenplay written by King for television, and if you pay close attention to the cast, you’ll see cameos from Stephen himself (of course), Clive Barker, Joe Dante, John Landis, and Tobe Hooper, as well as Mark Hamill decked out as a policeman.

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The plot makes absolutely no sense, but that’s somehow okay. Mädchen plays plucky high school student Tanya Robertson, who falls for the hunky blonde new kid in school, Charles. But while Tanya has make-out plans on her mind (one of my favorite lines of bad dialog in this film involves Tanya saying “Oh, we’ll do some RUBBING” after the two of them make plans to go to a cemetery to do some … rubbing. Like on paper. With charcoal.), Charles is actually planning to steal her virgin life essence, which he and his mother need to survive. Why? Well, because they are “sleepwalkers”, aka some kind of giant Were-Cat things. OH, and Charles and Mother Mary are also totally sleeping together (ewwwwwwww). OH OH – and! They can be killed by — wait for it — CATS.

HOLD UP. (more…)

Deadly Friend

Another Craven movie I saw in the theater with high hopes, 1986’s Deadly Friend is unfortunately TERRIBLE (not even in a “so bad it’s good” The People Under the Stairs kind of way), and I can only recommend seeing it if you’re having a Bad Movie Night with friends—and have a lot of booze on hand. And even then, eh. THIS was his follow up to A Nightmare on Elm Street, for chrissakes. THIS.

Nerdy Paul (Matthew Labyorteaux, who will always be Albert Ingalls to me) is a super genius who moves to a new town because his awesome robot named BB—okay, awesome if you saw it in the 80s, I mean—got him a fancy college scholarship. Or something. Anyway!

It’s not long before he realizes next-door neighbor Sam is a hottie (HELLO Kristy Swanson) and she, along with new friend “Slime”, decided to prank the neighborhood crazy Elvira (Anne Ramsey) by having BB break her super secure gate and ring her doorbell. I know, TERRIFYING, right? Unfortunately, Elvira likes to shoot things, especially unruly kids, so she ends up blowing BB into a million smithereens. Aw, poor robot.

Paul’s barely has time to morn BB when (shortly after their first kiss) Sam gets beaten to brain death by her abusive father. Naturally, the only sane thing to do is for Paul to enlist Slime to help him steal Sam’s body and Frankenstein BB’s chip into her head. That way see, he can have a hot girlfriend who’s still alive, yet compliant and teachable.

SPOILERS AHEAD (more…)

Final Destination 5: The Gymnast

#4: Most Ridiculous Horror Movie Deaths, EVER:
The Gymnast in Final Destination 5

I know it could be argued that every death in every Final Destination movie is ridiculous, but usually I at least have a laughing fit about how stupid it is (re: dude getting squished by a glass window pane in part 3).

This one, though, was particularly dissapointing, because after lots of teasing involving a screw on the balance beam and a loose air conditioning fan, they chose to have this chick get catapulted off some bars and land badly, apparently breaking every bone in her body and instantly killing her.

While the splatter was pretty awesome, I think I would have preferred the fan falling on her, or getting strangled by the bars, or SOMETHING. Anything. Everything. Else. Why? Because it just looks stupid. Look at the photo. It’s stupid, you guys. Come on.

Final Destination 3: Tanning Bed Boiling

#3: Most Ridiculous Horror Movies Deaths EVER: Twin Tanning Bed Boiling

Although I have a strange fondness for the way the Final Destination movies continue to plan a Rube Goldberg-esque series of events for each horrible death, I didn’t buy the laughable attempted “death by tanning bed” murder in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, and I still didn’t buy it in Final Destination 3.

Would the tanning bed temp even be able to get that high? Would the lights get so hot they would crack the glass? And the shelf trapping both of them is a bit *too* convenient, non?

Yeah, yeah – I know. It’s Final Destination 3. What was I expecting?

Sleepwalkers: Death by Corn Cob

#2: Most Ridiculous Horror Movie Deaths EVER: Stabbed with a Corn Cob

Finally! I started this (which was supposed to be a regular series of posts) wayyyyy back in August ‘08 with Rose McGowan’s “death by garage door” in Scream…and I’ve just never gotten around to posting another one until now.

This one’s from Sleepwalkers, a 1992 film directed by Mick Garris, which explains the Stephen King appearance but maybe not the John Landis, Clive Barker, Joe Dante and Tobe Hooper cameos (my main reason for watching this, in addition to being more than a little obsessed with Madchen Amick from Twin Peaks).

There’s plenty of really ridiculous deaths in this movie, but let’s just pick the most obvious: death by corn cob. Followed up with the line, “No vegetables, no dessert. Those are the rules.” from cat-creature/succubus/incest-control freak/Borg Queen Alice Krige, this might just win the overall award for the. MOST. RIDICULOUS. EVER.

Seriously. Just watch the video – you’ll see what I mean.

#1: The Most Ridiculous Horror Movie Deaths EVER

The first in a series – this has be the biggest flaw in the first Scream movie (altho I still love it to death). Screenwriter Williamson gets some major points for having Tatum scream “fucker” as she throws the beer bottle, but clearly lost some brain cells thinking that the garage door would actually lift her up to her death (no matter how tiny Rose McGowan is, no way that’d work. My disbelief has NOT been suspended!).

I’m shaking my head at you, Wes & Kevin! You did so well with the other deaths in Scream, why’d you have to fuck this one up…