The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

Tom Six should probably just quit now. I mean, with the whole “Human Centipede” thing at least. But according to IMDB, we’re in for a third installment (Final Sequence), so yay. Us.

Some of you might be wondering why I even bothered to watch this film, but as a horror fan, I felt like I HAD to. And honestly, pretty much any time a film is deemed “too horrible to watch” and has to go through something like 23 cuts before it can even be shown to anyone, I have to admit that I will find that film intriguing enough to view, just so I can figure out what’s what. I only waited this long because it’s now streaming on Netflix, so it’s the cheapest possible way for me to watch.

But unlike both Martyrs and The Woman, which are also surrounded by controversy because of extreme gore and torture, The Human Centipede 2 didn’t leave me feeling glad I’d watched it. And also unlike both those films, HCN2 is almost totally irredeemable. This one is clearly Six’s answer to everyone who complained that the first movie was too campy and didn’t have enough gore. The thing is, I liked the first one. It was entertaining as hell, and I loved the beyond bleak ending. This one though … yeesh.

SPOILERS AHEAD (more…)

Final Destination 3: Tanning Bed Boiling

#3: Most Ridiculous Horror Movies Deaths EVER: Twin Tanning Bed Boiling

Although I have a strange fondness for the way the Final Destination movies continue to plan a Rube Goldberg-esque series of events for each horrible death, I didn’t buy the laughable attempted “death by tanning bed” murder in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, and I still didn’t buy it in Final Destination 3.

Would the tanning bed temp even be able to get that high? Would the lights get so hot they would crack the glass? And the shelf trapping both of them is a bit *too* convenient, non?

Yeah, yeah – I know. It’s Final Destination 3. What was I expecting?

Horror Sarcasm

Though Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 doesn’t even come close to being as awesome as the original, it has its moments — my favorite being when the Cenobites discover Kirsty with the box and get all sarcastic when she says she didn’t open it:

Lady Cenobite: “Didn’t open the box.” And what was it last time, “Didn’t know what the box was?” And yet, we do keep finding each other, don’t we?

Pinhead: Oh, Kirsty. So eager to play, so reluctant to admit it.

Saw: Enough, Already

Seeing how I just watched Saw VI and have suffered through every one of the sequels, I thought it might be time to run through a quick review for each one…especially since Saw VII is currently filming for an October release.

Saw: The original was actually pretty awesome – a new twist on something you don’t see often, and the beginning of a great idea. Inventive “games” with homemade murdering devices, a serial killer that doesn’t actually ever kill anyone, and two strangers stuck in a room with a dead body trying to get out.

Sure, Cary Elwes & Leigh Whannel weren’t the best actors, but it was thrilling to follow them through to end, and Jigsaw (Tobin Bell + his creepy puppet!) is pretty terrifying in this one. Just try to ignore Danny Glover’s ridiculousness at the end. It’s also fun to re-watch to see Ben from Lost as the bewildered kidnapper.  (more…)

My love/hate relationship with Halloween 2 (and Rob Zombie in general)

I know I am one of few people who actually didn’t mind Zombie’s reboot of Halloween – yes, it was nothing like Carpenter’s classic, but I thought he did a decent job of translating the story for a contemporary audience, and some of the kill scenes were FANTASTIC. So, I put Halloween 2 on my Netflix queue thinking it would be about the same. And it was, more or less.

I have two main complaints about RZ’s films: 1) he “borrows” heavily from other horror flicks and 2) he tries to explain/do too damn much. In the 2007 Halloween, Zombie spends a lot of time examining why Michael Myers slaughtered his family. He tries to make us see that there are legitimate reasons why the kid is as messed up as he is, and then he spends an awful lot of time in the asylum with Loomis & Myers’ therapy sessions.

This carries over to Halloween 2, which starts with a flashback to a monotone Sherri Moon Zombie promising Michael that she’ll never leave him, and spurring a ridiculous amount of “visions” in which mom & white horse tell Michael what to do whilst he’s on his 3rd killing spree. The thing is: we don’t NEED to know what drives Myers to kill. It’s actually so much scarier if he’s just murdering people because he HAS to. (more…)

Creepshow 3: I will never get that 104 minutes back

Normally I wouldn’t even mention a movie as bad as this, but I’m thinking that maybe there are some other horror fans out there who *might* be curious, especially fans of Creepshow 1 & 2. But TRUST ME, skip this.

I should have known since Romero and King had absolutely nothing to do with this that it would absolutely suck, but I thought “Hey, why not give it a chance? It might be good!”. Um. No.

Unlike the previous two installments that dreamed up stories suitable for its fictional horror comic, this one seems to have taken several ideas from various Twilight Zone episodes and mashed them together (a girl’s true appearance is revealed by a remote control, a murderous hooker is surprised by a vampire, a radio talks a shy security guard into robbing a pimp ???). And surprise! NONE of them even remotely work.

Terrible acting, terrible writing, terrible damn-near-everything – the only redeemable thing were some decent special FX but not even that could save it. I struggled to get through all the stories, and wondered how a film so terrible could even get made.

Long story short: if this is in your Netflix queue, delete it ASAP. So not worth your time.

La Terza Madre

The third installment in Dario Argento’s “Three Mothers” trilogy (following Suspiria & Inferno) does not disappoint. Mother of Tears is full of the Italian Horror Director’s signatures: grotesque murders, graphic detail, entrails, gorgeous, naked Italian women – and of course, the main character wading through a disgusting pit of something (in this case, human carnage & maggoty grossness). Daughter Asia stars in one of daddy’s films yet again, and yes, she’s as exploited as always.

The plot, loosely: a beautiful museum curator recieives a strange artifact from a priest, opens it with a co-worker and conveniently leaves her alone, returning to find the co-worker being savagely murdered by a group in black robes, and a screaming monkey (!!??) pointing the murderers in her direction next. The cops think she’s crazy, her dead mother starts talking to her and a white magic/black magic battle ensues while Rome crumbles under chaos in the streets and gangs of witches run rampant murdering everyone. Asia, as the lead, is the only one who can STOP it all and save the city! Sounds great, right? 🙂 (more…)

For Real

Although it’s my least favorite of the 3, Scream 2 has a GREAT opening death scene. Ignoring the kind of lame “knife through the stall” death of Omar Epps – let’s skip ahead to Jada Pinkett’s spectacuarly scary stabbing in the theater.

Why so scary? Because *I* believe this could actually happen. You’ve got a theater full of entertainment fanatics in the same costume as the killer, brandishing fake knifes and making stabbing motions. It’s entirely plausible to me that someone could get stabbed to death for real in this sitch – and by the time anyone realized it, it would be way too late. Plus, the back and forth between Pinkett’s death and Heather Graham’s on screen near perfect re-enactment of Drew’s death from the first film is pretty damn cool.

Extra bonus points go to Craven for showing splatter on a theater patron’s arm (right after the second stab). 🙂

Android Splatter

I couldn’t find a photo of the actual moment of splatter, where the queen Alien shoves her gigantic spiked tail through Bishop – but here’s a shot of Lance Henricksen (well, half of him anyway) with Ripley and Newt in the aftermath…which is still pretty splatter-rific.

I wonder what the hell that is anyway – milk thickened with something? Paint? Paper-mache paste? Hmm…I’m going to have to research this.