Lord of Illusions

31 Horror Movies I Own #18: Lord of Illusions

Full confession: when I first saw this movie in the theater I HATED it. This was especially crushing to me, because I’ve been a huge Clive Barker fan for years, and was lucky enough to see him do a reading and talk about directing this film. Barker did say at the time that he was disappointed with the number of edits the studio made, because most of the key scenes were gone, and the film wouldn’t have as much impact.

Thus it makes sense that when I viewed the unrated director’s cut on DVD later on, I really liked it. There were SO many missing scenes, I don’t even know how the theatrical version was released. Despite Clive’s obvious love of Scott Bakula’s abs and some seriously Cinemax-y romance novel  love scenes, the core of the story is pretty awesome, and the gore is even awesomer. (more…)



31 Horror Movies I Own #6: Candyman

It might seem silly, but there was a time when I couldn’t watch this movie when I was alone, and you will NEVER EVER EVER catch me saying “Candyman” in the mirror five times (poor Ted Raimi). No. Way.

I’m not a superstitious person by nature, but the thought of a hulking Tony Todd showing up behind me with his meat-hook hand and a legion of bees pouring out of his mouth is enough to stop me from trying it.

But, I digress. Candyman was adapted by Director Bernard Rose from a short Clive Barker story, and Mr. Rose did an awesome job of stretching the legend into a full-length feature. (more…)


31 Horror Movies I Own: #1, Hellraiser

I suspect that if you weren’t a teen or preteen when Clive Barker’s Hellraiser hit the horror scene, you’d view it now and think “This is fucking dated and cheesy and not scary at all”…and you’d be half-right.

There’s no denying that it’s dated. 1987 was a fine year for outrageous 80s fashion, and the two female leads showcase it hilariously—puffy bomber jackets, giant bangs, dagger-esque star earrings, popped collars, bright yellow eye shadow and all.

And sure, it’s cheesy. The low-budget effects are glaringly obvious (Barker even admits this in his commentary, which by the way, is some of the best commentary ever in the history of EVER), but whatevs. The man basically sold his soul, AKA, the rights to all future Hellraiser movies and characters, for just a million dollars in order to make this thing. So of course it’s not without its flaws. (more…)

Horror Sarcasm

Though Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 doesn’t even come close to being as awesome as the original, it has its moments — my favorite being when the Cenobites discover Kirsty with the box and get all sarcastic when she says she didn’t open it:

Lady Cenobite: “Didn’t open the box.” And what was it last time, “Didn’t know what the box was?” And yet, we do keep finding each other, don’t we?

Pinhead: Oh, Kirsty. So eager to play, so reluctant to admit it.

Serious Splatter-Fest

The title might be cheesy, but it does accurately represent what’s going on in this film. The Midnight Meat Train is available On Demand right now – and I went into it expecting it to be seriously bad, and ended being pleasantly surprised.

The plot is pretty decent, and there is more than enough splatter, gore, and buckets of blood to keep you sucked into the imagery. It was seriously amazing – I nearly fell into a Stendhaal coma while trying to process the sheer magnitude of splatter.

I was also pleased that they managed to give you a sense of Barker’s macabre universe, while still keeping the story simple enough to process.

And, I will never be able to look at Vinnie Jones in the same way again, nor will I ever ride a NY subway after 2am…

Julia: Going to extremes for a good f**k.

Many of you may count “The Lead Cenobite” (or “Pinhead” as he became known in the sequels) as the terrorizer of Clive Barker’s low-budget fantasy gorefest Hellraiser – but the REAL villain of this film is Kirsty’s Stepmom Julia.

Note the look of lusty rage on her face as she smacks a hapless victim with her hammer, all so her lover can put flesh on his bones and they can “get it on”. Check out that great face, neck & blouse splatter! She’s wicked in the best way possible, and one of my favorite horror movie characters.

Bonus: Her 80s costumes in this flick are AMAZING. LOVE the bright yellow blouse, matching eyeshadow (which sadly doesn’t show up well in this photo) and gigantor star earrings. 🙂